So, I already updated on my kids - well here is a general update.
So about a year ago (when Sammy was born), we realized that 820 square feet just isn't big enough for FIVE PEOPLE to comfortably live in. Yep. We were living in a two bedroom, two bathroom, 820-square foot middle floor apartment. We had cranky, mean neighbors downstairs, a cranky, mean home owners lady, and were living in a ward with a total of eight kids in the primary. Granted the apartment itself was pretty nice, and the grounds of the complex were nice (minus all the stupid, stupid geese and their stupid, stupid poop all over the sidewalk and grass). There was also a pool and hot tub, which was fantastic. But, a combination of itty bitty living space, mean neighbors, mean home owners lady, a kind of crappy family ward, and the lack of non-pooped covered outside play areas...led us to believe "Hey! We need our own place!" Oh, and the fact that my baby brother was going to move into the unit when he started school in the fall.
Sooooo, Tom and I started the house hunting. Surprisingly, it only took about a month before we really found the perfect house for us! We actually put in an offer on a different house first...then when I saw our house pop up online, we walked through it the next day, put an offer on it, got in a little bit of a bidding war (which was really annoying) and finally signed the papers! We got everything in order with our mortgage guy, and moved in less than a month later! Yep. Super crazy fast. But awesome :) I love our home. Tom has a little buyers remorse because it is more than we originally wanted to spend on a house, but I am thrilled. I love our house. I love our ward. I love our neighborhood. I love everything about it. It has four small bedrooms, a master bedroom with master bath, and then a common bathroom upstairs. The basement has an unfinished bathroom as well. There is a living room that fits the piano, a big open kitchen, and a big family room. The backyard is HUGE and has big rocks and trees. There is even a fenced in raised garden area and a peach tree and a plum tree! I love it. We are at the end of a culdesac, too, so no fast traffic! Our neighbors are super great and everyone is so nice and friendly. AND the house is yellow :) I LOVE IT! It isn't huge, but is just right for our little family. Both Ella and Tommy have friends within walking distance, too!
The next update has to do with Tom. As you may recall, Tom works for Real Salt Lake. He started as an unpaid intern...was hired in the ticket box office doing season ticket renewals...was promoted into sponsorship coordinating...and was promoted again (with a SUBSTANTIAL raise) to a ticket box office manager. All within a year and a half. Pretty impressive. The owner of Real Salt Lake, Del Loy Hansen, even knows him by name and is constantly reassuring him that he "likes to take care of his best employees"...yep. Pretty sweet :) Tom is doing fantastic at his job and he really enjoys it. Hopefully after a couple years of experience he can transfer to an even better job in a larger sports market...ya know...somewhere like LA?? Or Anaheim?? Or San Diego? I'm not picky :) Either way, though, it is super cool.
As for me, I'm still doing what I do. Working at Summerhays Music...selling bowed instruments. I really like my job, but am starting to itch for something more. I don't know what...but I want to do something bigger and better and make more MONEY! :) We are gearing up for our Fiddle Fair month, which is my biggest month of the year. I have been going around to Jr. High's and High Schools doing "step up clinics", which is pretty much where I take a bunch of way nice instruments...show them to the kids and say, "wow! See how much better these instruments sound than yours??? That's cuz you're playing on a crappy instrument and you really should come buy these ones!" And hopefully they do...so I can make lots of money :) Yay for commission. hehehe :) It's really win/win/win though. Win = I make lots of money Win = they get a better sounding instrument Win = my boss is happy 'cause I make him money too. Yep. Win/win/win. The only "lose" part, though, is the fact that for the next four weeks, I'll be working six days...and probably get a bajillion hours of overtime. Boo. Good for the paycheck, but bad for everything else! That's a lot of working. Blah.
Anyway, Tom and I really like our new ward. Everyone is super friendly and nice. I teach the five turning six year olds in Primary and they are SO CUTE! :) They say the funniest things in class. Tom is the second counselor in the Sunday School Presidency...so pretty much he doesn't have to do anything, which is kind of convenient because Sammy is a royal pain the A-S-S during church. Hoooooly cow. He wiggles and cries and runs around and is just HARD. Six more months, though, until he can go to nursery! HOORAY!!!!! :D Too bad they don't have nursery during sacrament...someone didn't think that all the way through...
Well, that's about it for now. I'll try to update again if anything exciting happens in our lives :) Bye!
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
European Tour
So last June I had the opportunity to travel with the Utah Valley Youth Symphony Orchestra around Europe playing the solo part of Rhapsody in Blue with them.
Our stops included Poznan, Poland, Berlin, Vienna, and Prague. Needless to say, I felt like a rockstar.
Our first stop was Berlin. Holy cow. I LOVED BERLIN. Oh my gosh. I can't say enough. It was SOOOOOOOOO fantastic!!! The city was beautiful! The people were great! The history was fascinating! The weather was perfect! The food was great! Oh man. Seriously LOVED it.
There were so many amazing monuments and historical sites, it was hard to fit them all in! I ended up taking a little three hour rickshaw tour that was TOTALLY worth the forty euro - definitely one of the benefits of traveling by yourself!
I pretty much spent the entire four days in Berlin running from stop to stop, trying to fit in as much as I could in such a short amount of time! I did not think I would enjoy it so much...but it was amazing. I wish we could've spent five more WEEKS there! I pretty much ate while running, no bathroom breaks! Haha! I was grateful that I did that study abroad in Vienna so 1) the little German I could remember was VERY helpful and 2) I totally utilized the U-bahn system. It was fantastic!
I ended up spending most of the trip with a fantastic group of girls and their moms! The first day I was pretty lonely - completely across the globe not knowing a SINGLE person in our group of fifty people...but by the end of the first day, we were pretty much all besties :) It was great!
While we were in Berlin, I read about this little town called Potsdam. Me, and a group of people, all took the train out and biked around it. It was the most BEAUTIFUL village E-V-E-R! If anyone gets a chance to go to Berlin - make a full day trip of Potsdam! We spent five hours there and it wasn't nearly long enough!!!
Yep. Out of all the stops - Berlin was my favorite.
Our next stop was Poland. While we were in Poland, the Polish Philharmonic played with us during our performance. It was AWESOME. It was so fun to play with such an amazing orchestra!
I had never been to Poland before and it was such an amazing place! I would love to go back. We spent a lot of our time in the city center touring around and shopping. It was very cool :) We found a Chopin monument, too!
(okay, wide hips coming through...keep in mind I had just had a baby four months before this...)
There were different alley ways filled with all sorts of antiques that were SO cool! I wish I could have bought them all! There was a little bit of a language barrier in Poland because no one spoke English...or German...so we were all kind of at a loss when it came to communication. Lots of hand gestures :) haha! The weather was a little cold, but all in all, Poland was pretty cool. We wandered around and found lots of cool little buildings, churches, and nooks and crannies of Poland.
We took a bus ride out to the "Birthday Place of Poland" and toured this beautiful church and its catacombs. I have decided that catacombs are SUPER interesting. Not everyone would think so...but I sure did :)
We spent two (or three?? I can't remember!) days in Poland and then were off to Prague. Our bus driver only spoke Polish...or Russian...or something that NO ONE understood. He ended up taking us on this wild goose chase through the back countryside of who-knows which country! What was supposed to be a couple hour bus ride, ended up being an almost seven hour bus ride! While the countryside was VERY beautiful and serene....one can only take so long being on a crowded bus with a bunch of teenagers...hahah :)
The venue we performed at in Prague was BEAUTIFUL! It was inside this gothic architecture church that was beautiful! The acoustics were CRAZY and I'm not sure our performance was that spectacular, but it was still fun...and made for some great pictures :)
I had been to Prague before, so I kind of knew my way around, but it was fun going around with a much smaller group. We toured small alleyways, took a bus tour, even took a ghost tour under the city square! It was pretty creepy :)
The food was great and most people spoke English, so there was little or no language barriers in most of the places we went inside :) Prague really does have the most beautiful architecture, but the city planning was a little crazy. It was a good thing we had plenty of different maps so we could find our way around! haha!
On our way to Vienna, we stopped at this little Castle community...which I cannot remember the name of! Oops!
It was very beautiful! We were only there for a couple hours - just long enough to eat, walk through the main street, and make our way back to the bus. Oh, and there was some CRAZY cool gingerbread we saw, too :)
Check out that detail lace stuff! Woah. Impressive. No, I didn't buy any...I wouldn't have been able to make myself eat it...and then it would have just gotten smooshed. :(
Anyway, our last stop was Vienna - and would you believe it...I didn't take any pictures!!! Since I lived there before, it was just like going back home! How many of you take pictures of your hometown streets? Not many, right? Well, that's why I didn't take any! It was crazy...
Vienna was fun, but it was weird being back after ten years. Time flies. I found that most of the time I was in Vienna, I was wishing my husband was with me. I have spent so much time telling him about everything we would do when we went together...that I missed him even more. I'm glad Vienna was at the end of the trip when I was so exhausted from all the other cities, that I didn't miss too much by not walking/running every moment of the days we were there! :)
All in all, the trip was FANTASTIC! We were traveling a total of fourteen days and it was amazing. The women I bonded with were so much fun and we all had a blast! The students I performed with were phenomenal and it was great hanging out with such a fun group of kids :)
Our first stop was Berlin. Holy cow. I LOVED BERLIN. Oh my gosh. I can't say enough. It was SOOOOOOOOO fantastic!!! The city was beautiful! The people were great! The history was fascinating! The weather was perfect! The food was great! Oh man. Seriously LOVED it.
There were so many amazing monuments and historical sites, it was hard to fit them all in! I ended up taking a little three hour rickshaw tour that was TOTALLY worth the forty euro - definitely one of the benefits of traveling by yourself!
While we were in Berlin, I read about this little town called Potsdam. Me, and a group of people, all took the train out and biked around it. It was the most BEAUTIFUL village E-V-E-R! If anyone gets a chance to go to Berlin - make a full day trip of Potsdam! We spent five hours there and it wasn't nearly long enough!!!
Our next stop was Poland. While we were in Poland, the Polish Philharmonic played with us during our performance. It was AWESOME. It was so fun to play with such an amazing orchestra!
We took a bus ride out to the "Birthday Place of Poland" and toured this beautiful church and its catacombs. I have decided that catacombs are SUPER interesting. Not everyone would think so...but I sure did :)
We spent two (or three?? I can't remember!) days in Poland and then were off to Prague. Our bus driver only spoke Polish...or Russian...or something that NO ONE understood. He ended up taking us on this wild goose chase through the back countryside of who-knows which country! What was supposed to be a couple hour bus ride, ended up being an almost seven hour bus ride! While the countryside was VERY beautiful and serene....one can only take so long being on a crowded bus with a bunch of teenagers...hahah :)
I had been to Prague before, so I kind of knew my way around, but it was fun going around with a much smaller group. We toured small alleyways, took a bus tour, even took a ghost tour under the city square! It was pretty creepy :)
The food was great and most people spoke English, so there was little or no language barriers in most of the places we went inside :) Prague really does have the most beautiful architecture, but the city planning was a little crazy. It was a good thing we had plenty of different maps so we could find our way around! haha!
Anyway, our last stop was Vienna - and would you believe it...I didn't take any pictures!!! Since I lived there before, it was just like going back home! How many of you take pictures of your hometown streets? Not many, right? Well, that's why I didn't take any! It was crazy...
Vienna was fun, but it was weird being back after ten years. Time flies. I found that most of the time I was in Vienna, I was wishing my husband was with me. I have spent so much time telling him about everything we would do when we went together...that I missed him even more. I'm glad Vienna was at the end of the trip when I was so exhausted from all the other cities, that I didn't miss too much by not walking/running every moment of the days we were there! :)
All in all, the trip was FANTASTIC! We were traveling a total of fourteen days and it was amazing. The women I bonded with were so much fun and we all had a blast! The students I performed with were phenomenal and it was great hanging out with such a fun group of kids :)
My Babies: a long overdue update
So this one time I had this blog that I kept up regularly...then I didn't...soooo yeah, here is my attempt to update things that have happened over a years span. Yep.
Ella:
She is as sassy as they come in such a small package. This seven year old is determined to push my buttons every chance the can...and gets the biggest kick out of it EVER. Her thrills include asking me to pick out her clothes in the morning, and then proceeding to dump everything out of her drawers while proving to me why the clothes I chose were the WORST. She is in first grade right now with a FANTASTIC teacher. She enjoys school, but says she HATES tests. She also thinks homework is stupid because she "already knows how to do it...why does she have to do MORE at home??" Amen girl. She is enrolled in dance class and piano lessons.
She is fantastic at both, but also tells me repeatedly how she doesn't need classes anymore because she already knows everything...Yep. She is SUPER smart and recently received an "Excellence in Academics" award at her school! She got a banner, a pin, and a big certificate, AND was invited to a special celebration for only a few select kids in the whole school. We are so proud of her :) Here are a few tidbits about her:
Grade: 1st
Activities: Piano lessons, ballet
Favorite subject in school: Art
Least favorite subject: Library time ("You only get to look at ONE book the whole time! It is so boring!")
Catch phrases: "I know, Mom!"
Friends: Tahlen, Brooke, Trystan, Cayson, Bridget, Eva, Landon
Favorite Movie: High School Musical (No, I still haven't seen it...)
Hobbies: Writing her own songs, dancing, playing in the back yard, bossing her little brother around.
Least favorite activity: bed time.
Next child: Tommy
This is my sweetheart of a four year old. This kid is all love...and rowdiness. He seldom holds still, even when he is sleeping. He is enrolled in preschool and really enjoys it...even though he is a bit of a trouble maker and his teacher is often telling me, "He has a hard time paying attention because he just wants to talk and play with the other kids!" So we have been working on channeling that energy to more production things :) haha!
He was enrolled in soccer over the fall and LOVED it. He has amazing hand-eye-foot coordination for such a young kid. He has been drop kicking a soccer ball since he was two and can throw better than I can...which isn't saying much, but still! He loves to play and always has a smile on his face. He never back talks, but does have a hard time following directions because of how easy he gets distracted. He is such a sweetheart and is always sharing and wanting to help.
He's very much into super heros right now, especially The Ninja Turtles and Spiderman. Some of his favorite catch phrases include, "I've got the power!" and "To the rescue!" (The picture above is with his "super hero hair")
Tid bits about Tommy:
Age: 4
Grade: Preschool
Favorite foods: Anything with sugar, caprese salads (seriously??), chicken noodle soup, and juice
Least favorite foods: vegetables
Favorite activities: Playing outside, playing video games, jumping, practicing his karate moves, bed time.
Friends: Jordan, Brayden, Jeff, Cayson, Trystan
Favorite shows: anything with a super hero
Next child: Sammy
This sweet boy turns one today! I can't believe how fast the time has gone! He is seriously the happiest baby EVER. He only cries if he is tired, hungry, or has poops. That is it. No other fussing. Seriously. He is about 50/50 on whether or not he sleeps through the night, but that's okay. He is ADORABLE and looooooves to snuggle. He started walking around Christmas and loves being outside. He is seriously so smiley!
Tid bits about Sammy:
Age: One! Happy Birthday!
Favorite foods: captain crunch cereal, pasta, fruit cocktail
Least favorite foods: scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese
Catch phrases: "Ta ta ta!"
Favorite activities: being held, yelling, running around
Least favorite activities: being put to bed, being ignored
Hair color: still pretty much bald, but I swear it is strawberry blond :)
Okay, well, I think that is pretty much it with my babies. I seriously love them to pieces! THEY ARE SO STINKIN CUTE!!!!! :D
Ella:
Grade: 1st
Activities: Piano lessons, ballet
Favorite subject in school: Art
Least favorite subject: Library time ("You only get to look at ONE book the whole time! It is so boring!")
Catch phrases: "I know, Mom!"
Friends: Tahlen, Brooke, Trystan, Cayson, Bridget, Eva, Landon
Favorite Movie: High School Musical (No, I still haven't seen it...)
Hobbies: Writing her own songs, dancing, playing in the back yard, bossing her little brother around.
Least favorite activity: bed time.
Next child: Tommy
He was enrolled in soccer over the fall and LOVED it. He has amazing hand-eye-foot coordination for such a young kid. He has been drop kicking a soccer ball since he was two and can throw better than I can...which isn't saying much, but still! He loves to play and always has a smile on his face. He never back talks, but does have a hard time following directions because of how easy he gets distracted. He is such a sweetheart and is always sharing and wanting to help.
Tid bits about Tommy:
Age: 4
Grade: Preschool
Favorite foods: Anything with sugar, caprese salads (seriously??), chicken noodle soup, and juice
Least favorite foods: vegetables
Favorite activities: Playing outside, playing video games, jumping, practicing his karate moves, bed time.
Friends: Jordan, Brayden, Jeff, Cayson, Trystan
Favorite shows: anything with a super hero
Next child: Sammy
Age: One! Happy Birthday!
Favorite foods: captain crunch cereal, pasta, fruit cocktail
Least favorite foods: scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese
Catch phrases: "Ta ta ta!"
Favorite activities: being held, yelling, running around
Least favorite activities: being put to bed, being ignored
Hair color: still pretty much bald, but I swear it is strawberry blond :)
Okay, well, I think that is pretty much it with my babies. I seriously love them to pieces! THEY ARE SO STINKIN CUTE!!!!! :D
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Being a working mom...
I have been working full time now for over two years, an average of 40-45 hours a week. Hours: Weekdays 10-7 and Saturdays 10-6. At first it was voluntary to help things get off the ground...then it became necessary...and now it has hit a very nice cross roads in which it is necessary, but also a means to an end. Tom's job at Real Salt Lake has been a VERY good step in the right direction, but it doesn't pay hardly anything. So I am working to help support our little family so Tom's job can lead to something bigger and better. It is hard to get a foot in the door in the sporting industry and we are thrilled that he is "In"! So now its just a waiting game between him gaining experience and waiting for the next step up.
I enjoy my job. I sell musical instruments, more specifically intermediate and professional string instruments: violin, viola, cello, and bass. I love using my music knowledge every day. I love helping students find the perfect match of an instrument/bow/case. I love the excitement of helping a child pick their first instrument. I love bonding with other customers and teachers over music and parenting. I love the company I work for. It is a family owned business and for the most part, I feel like part of the family. My boss loves me and pretty much lets me do what I want when it comes to my department. My manager loves loves and likes to push me to my full potential, even if I give him crap for it along the way. Right now I love my coworkers, they are all nice and friendly and we share a mutual respect for each other and play on each others strengths. I wish I earned more, but to be completely honest...for the job I have, I am kind of cleaning up on commissions - I'm really good at my job. So that's good I guess :) I have to say I feel lucky for having a job that I can honestly say I look forward to going to most of the time.
Now, having said all the positive things about my job, there were some unknown side effects that I did not see coming. I've been trying to pin point what it is exactly that makes being a working mom so hard and I have come up with a few bullet points:
Guilt. Endless, endless guilt. I feel guilty as I walk out the door and leave my children to be raised by someone else. I feel guilty as my children smile and say, "Have a nice day at work mom! See you tonight!" I feel guilty as I drop off my daughter at kindergarten, watch her blow me a kiss, and know I won't see her until bedtime. I feel guilty that I don't know any of her little friends from school because I'm not there to pick her up. I feel guilty that I don't know any of the other moms to schedule play dates with. I don't even know which friends of hers to invite to her birthday party in three weeks because I've never met any of them. I feel guilty that I've never met my sons preschool teacher because it is in the middle of the day. I feel guilty that I won't know if they had a good day or not because by the time bed time rolls around, they most likely will have forgotten what it was that needed comforting. I feel guilty while I'm at work, knowing I'm missing the bonding and general caring that I signed up for when I decided to be a mom. I feel guilty for not being there to answer their questions, soothe their worries, and calm their concerns. I feel guilty when I come home at 7:15 or later and only have time to quickly eat dinner with the family, get the babies in their pajamas, do bed time, kiss them good night, then attempt to stay awake and actually have some quality time with Tom. I feel guilty that I am only around them a total of four hours a work day: two in the morning and two at night. I feel guilty that I cannot be the mom or wife we all signed up for me to be.
Stress. Placed on myself by myself and others. I am constantly under stress to be a better wife and mother and employee. Some of this I do to myself and I am working on just doing the best I can and accepting that, but other stress is placed on me by others with constant reminding that there is more I could be doing. I think I handle the stress pretty well. Usually, I take a deep breath, remind myself to take it one moment at a time, and regroup so I can keep going without feeling overwhelmed. I know there is more I could be doing: more attention given, more love shown, more time allotted. All this pressure can feel crippling to the point that I just quit. It's terrible and I hate that part of me. The side that says, "this is so hard and I just don't know what to do, that I'm just going to stop." It doesn't last forever, but then in creeps in that guilt again...
Selfishness. My independent nature is already geared up and trained for selfishness. I know that I am a pretty self-centered person. It is difficult for me to think of others first and it is especially difficult for me to put my own wishes and desires aside for something else, especially if I don't really want to do it. (My husband can attest to that). I don't mean to do it, it just kind of happens. I am stubborn and a know-it-all. My way is the best way. I am always right...and even when I'm wrong....I'm right. My job has allowed me the freedom to prove my worth and I am pretty much in charge of my entire department. I love the freedom. I love the independence. I love the constant reassurance that I am awesome. This doesn't translate well when I go home. When I go home, I am back to being wife and mother. These rolls are less visibly rewarding and I certainly don't have the independence to do what I want when rooms need to be picked up, babies need to be bathed, and the family needs to be given more attention. When I wasn't working, it was much easier to adapt to the "We are a unit" mentality, instead of at work where "I am in charge". This is a constant struggle and I am frequently reminded to put my selfish needs on the back burner.
Envy. I envy other moms who don't need to work, who have work schedules that allow them to be home with their kids the majority of the day, or of moms who actually make enough money to REALLY support their families instead of living paycheck to paycheck. I envy women without children; not that I would ever want to get rid of my children, but I do remember easier less stressful days B.C. (Before Children). Seeing others around me with so much success in the business world and wanting it so badly, and knowing I am capable of it, but not wanting to sacrifice my family even more. Sometimes I'm even envious that I'm not a man - where I could leave my children in the trusting love of a wife and mother that would nurture and raise them, while I went off to my successful career. I'm envious that I'm not that wife and mother. Envious and slightly bitter that my years of practicing the piano and the talent and ability I spent years perfecting has literally taken a back seat to everything else in my life. It is impossible to practice the piano while the kids are awake, and then I feel guilty for not giving my husband the attention he deserves when they are asleep. I used to go practice in the morning before work, but again - guilt slides in and I don't want to miss any time with my kids. I envy women with the freedom to take the time they want to perfect a skill they desire.
Helplessness. A sense of never-ending. A sense of loss-of-control. Not knowing the next best step and the constant fear of making the wrong move. Constantly questioning if I am doing the right thing and being afraid to ask for reassurance. The inability to ask for help because a) I chose to put myself in this situation and now am reaping what I sowed or b) because I'm too prideful to admit I need help. The feeling of never quite getting your head above water. If I'm doing great in my job, my family life suffers because now I am neglecting them. If I'm doing great as a wife and mother, my work suffers and I am either late in the morning, or so anxious to get home that I am unfocused. The constant feeling of needing a second ME to fill in all the holes where I need to be in two places at once: soccer games, dropping off my toddler at preschool, important work appointments, etc.
Disappointment. Not being able to shake the crushing disappointment that this isn't what life is supposed to be like. I read that article on why Generation Y individuals pretty much suck. I agreed with a lot of it and found that I am definitely falling into that category of constantly being disappointed because of the expectations that were laid in front of me. I think part of the difference, though, is that I felt I made all the right decisions. I got good grades. I went to a prestigious university. I graduated. We waited to have children until I thought we were financially stable. I also felt like I chose all the right spiritual choices. I attend church every week. I pay my tithing. I try to listen to the promptings that I receive, including the decision of when to have children. I got married in the temple. I continue keeping the commandments and maintain a temple worthiness, even though the temptation to drink looks better and better all the time...I see others around me making the same decisions and it seems as though they are being awarded for their efforts. I know I shouldn't compare, and I keep telling myself that "our time will come" or "put the work in now, and the benefits will come later" or "there's a light at the end of the tunnel". Well, I am angry and I am sick of waiting. I am 28 years old, I have two children and one on the way. We have been married for almost 10 years and have constantly tried making the RIGHT, SMART, and BEST decisions for the paths that lay in front of us. And where are we now? Living in an 840 square foot apartment, hovering on the poverty line, both of us with bachelors degrees, and Tom with a masters. We own nothing of real financial value, aside from our cars. I feel like our life is a big joke that we keep walking into the punch line of.
Where is all this coming from, you ask? Well, my husband is constantly telling me that I need to be more emotional and talk about my feelings, otherwise it is going to just build up and have serious physical side effects. For those of you who know me, I believe myself to be a strong, tough woman - one who doesn't cry, one who can keep her head up when the going gets tough, and one who doesn't need anyone for emotional support. I feel like I have to always stay positive and be the one smiling politely saying, "Oh, things are going great!" I feel like an actor in my own life - one who plays the strong protagonist who drags along the silent side kick of how I really feel and repeatedly beats it into submission to keep it from creeping onto center stage. I know this sounds dramatic and pathetic, but right now I don't care. As my husband says, "I'm letting it all out". This is my release that has been building up and at least I can type it out, instead of lashing out in temper tantrums.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for a reaction or reassurance. I'm not whining and I'm not complaining. I am simply STATING. This entire post is simply an ode to me being a working mom and saying how I feel. I'm angry about how I feel and that I can't control it so I'm putting into words instead of my rage just floating around inside of me. Don't leave me comments about how "things will get better" or any advice on how to feel. And I already know that "the grass is always greener on the other side". I was a Stay at Home Mom for a while, too, and wanted out of the house. My ideal situation would be working Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday from 12-4.
In fact, don't even let me know you've read this. It's incredibly difficult for me to be this open with my feelings, so if you do see me and say, "How are things going?" I'm going to respond with, "Oh! So good! What about you?"
So in case you were really wondering about how I really feel - now you know.
I enjoy my job. I sell musical instruments, more specifically intermediate and professional string instruments: violin, viola, cello, and bass. I love using my music knowledge every day. I love helping students find the perfect match of an instrument/bow/case. I love the excitement of helping a child pick their first instrument. I love bonding with other customers and teachers over music and parenting. I love the company I work for. It is a family owned business and for the most part, I feel like part of the family. My boss loves me and pretty much lets me do what I want when it comes to my department. My manager loves loves and likes to push me to my full potential, even if I give him crap for it along the way. Right now I love my coworkers, they are all nice and friendly and we share a mutual respect for each other and play on each others strengths. I wish I earned more, but to be completely honest...for the job I have, I am kind of cleaning up on commissions - I'm really good at my job. So that's good I guess :) I have to say I feel lucky for having a job that I can honestly say I look forward to going to most of the time.
Now, having said all the positive things about my job, there were some unknown side effects that I did not see coming. I've been trying to pin point what it is exactly that makes being a working mom so hard and I have come up with a few bullet points:
Guilt. Endless, endless guilt. I feel guilty as I walk out the door and leave my children to be raised by someone else. I feel guilty as my children smile and say, "Have a nice day at work mom! See you tonight!" I feel guilty as I drop off my daughter at kindergarten, watch her blow me a kiss, and know I won't see her until bedtime. I feel guilty that I don't know any of her little friends from school because I'm not there to pick her up. I feel guilty that I don't know any of the other moms to schedule play dates with. I don't even know which friends of hers to invite to her birthday party in three weeks because I've never met any of them. I feel guilty that I've never met my sons preschool teacher because it is in the middle of the day. I feel guilty that I won't know if they had a good day or not because by the time bed time rolls around, they most likely will have forgotten what it was that needed comforting. I feel guilty while I'm at work, knowing I'm missing the bonding and general caring that I signed up for when I decided to be a mom. I feel guilty for not being there to answer their questions, soothe their worries, and calm their concerns. I feel guilty when I come home at 7:15 or later and only have time to quickly eat dinner with the family, get the babies in their pajamas, do bed time, kiss them good night, then attempt to stay awake and actually have some quality time with Tom. I feel guilty that I am only around them a total of four hours a work day: two in the morning and two at night. I feel guilty that I cannot be the mom or wife we all signed up for me to be.
Stress. Placed on myself by myself and others. I am constantly under stress to be a better wife and mother and employee. Some of this I do to myself and I am working on just doing the best I can and accepting that, but other stress is placed on me by others with constant reminding that there is more I could be doing. I think I handle the stress pretty well. Usually, I take a deep breath, remind myself to take it one moment at a time, and regroup so I can keep going without feeling overwhelmed. I know there is more I could be doing: more attention given, more love shown, more time allotted. All this pressure can feel crippling to the point that I just quit. It's terrible and I hate that part of me. The side that says, "this is so hard and I just don't know what to do, that I'm just going to stop." It doesn't last forever, but then in creeps in that guilt again...
Selfishness. My independent nature is already geared up and trained for selfishness. I know that I am a pretty self-centered person. It is difficult for me to think of others first and it is especially difficult for me to put my own wishes and desires aside for something else, especially if I don't really want to do it. (My husband can attest to that). I don't mean to do it, it just kind of happens. I am stubborn and a know-it-all. My way is the best way. I am always right...and even when I'm wrong....I'm right. My job has allowed me the freedom to prove my worth and I am pretty much in charge of my entire department. I love the freedom. I love the independence. I love the constant reassurance that I am awesome. This doesn't translate well when I go home. When I go home, I am back to being wife and mother. These rolls are less visibly rewarding and I certainly don't have the independence to do what I want when rooms need to be picked up, babies need to be bathed, and the family needs to be given more attention. When I wasn't working, it was much easier to adapt to the "We are a unit" mentality, instead of at work where "I am in charge". This is a constant struggle and I am frequently reminded to put my selfish needs on the back burner.
Envy. I envy other moms who don't need to work, who have work schedules that allow them to be home with their kids the majority of the day, or of moms who actually make enough money to REALLY support their families instead of living paycheck to paycheck. I envy women without children; not that I would ever want to get rid of my children, but I do remember easier less stressful days B.C. (Before Children). Seeing others around me with so much success in the business world and wanting it so badly, and knowing I am capable of it, but not wanting to sacrifice my family even more. Sometimes I'm even envious that I'm not a man - where I could leave my children in the trusting love of a wife and mother that would nurture and raise them, while I went off to my successful career. I'm envious that I'm not that wife and mother. Envious and slightly bitter that my years of practicing the piano and the talent and ability I spent years perfecting has literally taken a back seat to everything else in my life. It is impossible to practice the piano while the kids are awake, and then I feel guilty for not giving my husband the attention he deserves when they are asleep. I used to go practice in the morning before work, but again - guilt slides in and I don't want to miss any time with my kids. I envy women with the freedom to take the time they want to perfect a skill they desire.
Helplessness. A sense of never-ending. A sense of loss-of-control. Not knowing the next best step and the constant fear of making the wrong move. Constantly questioning if I am doing the right thing and being afraid to ask for reassurance. The inability to ask for help because a) I chose to put myself in this situation and now am reaping what I sowed or b) because I'm too prideful to admit I need help. The feeling of never quite getting your head above water. If I'm doing great in my job, my family life suffers because now I am neglecting them. If I'm doing great as a wife and mother, my work suffers and I am either late in the morning, or so anxious to get home that I am unfocused. The constant feeling of needing a second ME to fill in all the holes where I need to be in two places at once: soccer games, dropping off my toddler at preschool, important work appointments, etc.
Disappointment. Not being able to shake the crushing disappointment that this isn't what life is supposed to be like. I read that article on why Generation Y individuals pretty much suck. I agreed with a lot of it and found that I am definitely falling into that category of constantly being disappointed because of the expectations that were laid in front of me. I think part of the difference, though, is that I felt I made all the right decisions. I got good grades. I went to a prestigious university. I graduated. We waited to have children until I thought we were financially stable. I also felt like I chose all the right spiritual choices. I attend church every week. I pay my tithing. I try to listen to the promptings that I receive, including the decision of when to have children. I got married in the temple. I continue keeping the commandments and maintain a temple worthiness, even though the temptation to drink looks better and better all the time...I see others around me making the same decisions and it seems as though they are being awarded for their efforts. I know I shouldn't compare, and I keep telling myself that "our time will come" or "put the work in now, and the benefits will come later" or "there's a light at the end of the tunnel". Well, I am angry and I am sick of waiting. I am 28 years old, I have two children and one on the way. We have been married for almost 10 years and have constantly tried making the RIGHT, SMART, and BEST decisions for the paths that lay in front of us. And where are we now? Living in an 840 square foot apartment, hovering on the poverty line, both of us with bachelors degrees, and Tom with a masters. We own nothing of real financial value, aside from our cars. I feel like our life is a big joke that we keep walking into the punch line of.
Where is all this coming from, you ask? Well, my husband is constantly telling me that I need to be more emotional and talk about my feelings, otherwise it is going to just build up and have serious physical side effects. For those of you who know me, I believe myself to be a strong, tough woman - one who doesn't cry, one who can keep her head up when the going gets tough, and one who doesn't need anyone for emotional support. I feel like I have to always stay positive and be the one smiling politely saying, "Oh, things are going great!" I feel like an actor in my own life - one who plays the strong protagonist who drags along the silent side kick of how I really feel and repeatedly beats it into submission to keep it from creeping onto center stage. I know this sounds dramatic and pathetic, but right now I don't care. As my husband says, "I'm letting it all out". This is my release that has been building up and at least I can type it out, instead of lashing out in temper tantrums.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for a reaction or reassurance. I'm not whining and I'm not complaining. I am simply STATING. This entire post is simply an ode to me being a working mom and saying how I feel. I'm angry about how I feel and that I can't control it so I'm putting into words instead of my rage just floating around inside of me. Don't leave me comments about how "things will get better" or any advice on how to feel. And I already know that "the grass is always greener on the other side". I was a Stay at Home Mom for a while, too, and wanted out of the house. My ideal situation would be working Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday from 12-4.
In fact, don't even let me know you've read this. It's incredibly difficult for me to be this open with my feelings, so if you do see me and say, "How are things going?" I'm going to respond with, "Oh! So good! What about you?"
So in case you were really wondering about how I really feel - now you know.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
More Parenting :)
Parenting is a very interesting phenomenon. You sacrifice your time, body, and mind, to take care of a little noise-making succubus. Why would you do that??
Thoughts on Parenthood...
***Disclaimer! This is one of the most scatter-brained posts I've ever written, so I apologize that is barely cohesive! Ha! Read at your own risk :) ***
I've been reading a lot of blogs, posts, news articles, etc. regarding motherhood/parenthood/etc. and it seems like they are all carrying the same theme: "don't compare yourself to other parents...you are doing a fine job."
While these are all uplifting and mostly motivational, it made me think about WHY these posts are necessary? Are parents really that insecure? Are there really so many moms and dads that feel completely inadequate? Apparently so. So I've come to the most obvious conclusion that our society is overly competitive and comparative. Now we could analyze both the men and women side of this, but right now I just want to talk about the woman side of this.
Why is it that we feel so competitive? Where does it start? How do we stop it?
Now, I happen to be the mother of an extremely bright, observant, and sassy almost six year old daughter. She is two weeks into kindergarten and already they have bombarded her with fundraiser things to sell: cookie dough, magazine subscriptions, kitchen supplies, wrapping paper, etc. She came home and the first thing she said was, "Mom! I want to sell the most because I want to win!" She didn't understand the concept of fundraising and was very upset that I didn't make cookie dough and drop it off at school (which she thought was part of the fundraising, not understanding that they provide the cookie dough you sell).
Part of me was proud of her competitive nature, and the other part of me was wanting to cry because they are already teaching her that she needs to win. She is in kindergarten. Leave her alone. I want Ella to be more concerned with what color table she is going to sit at that day, than if the other kids around her are getting prizes because their parents are buying ten and twelve tubs of $13 cookie dough. Ella didn't get any prizes. **Not yet anyway, because I AM competitive by nature so I, of course, canvased my co-workers and am now canvasing my family to buy $13 tubs of cookie dough so Ella can get a prize. What is wrong with this picture??**
I feel like girls can't escape it! Look prettier. Be nicer. Be funnier. Have shinier hair. Be more likeable. Be smarter. Don't be so smart. And it doesn't stop when you finally are an adult. I think it gets worse: Be a better parent. Provide for your children. Look at how much better Pinterest is at being a parent than you are. Look at all the moms who are managing to do it better than you.
I read today a blog post about school lunches, too. Well, I can tell you that Ella is going to get the same school lunch that I did: peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a piece of fruit, some slices of carrots, a packet of fruit snacks, and a capri sun. She will probably get that every day for the next ten years until she can pack her own lunch. Just like I did. And it was fine. (Of course, there was one day in high school that my older brother packed my brown paper bagged lunch, which consisted of: a raw potato, a bag of uncooked rice, and an onion...but that's a story for another day).
The writer was saying that they couldn't keep up with the "Pottery Barn" lifestyle, which includes $45 personalized lunch boxes, and pre-written motivational lunch notes. (You realize you can do both of those with a $.99 sharpie, right?) As I was reading the article, I became sad for the writer. It made me sad that they are so disappointed with themselves and are trying to convince themselves they are okay with NOT being "Pottery Barn"esque.
I can tell you now that I am NEVER buying "pre-written" lunch notes. And I certainly am not paying $45 for a personalized lunch box. I don't care if I am a multi millionaire...there are some things that are just ridiculous. Why are we constantly in competition with what magazines, Hollywood, and pinterest are telling us?? Leave it alone people! So what if you DO spend 50 hours making beautiful homemade Valentines for your first grader? Good for you! And for those of you that buy the big bag of Nerds at the dollar store and simply make your kid write their name on them - Good for you, too! Chances are you're kids won't know the difference. All they will know is that they had Valentines to pass out.
I remember one year I went to a girl scout camp for a week with my next door neighbor, Sarah. Before I left, my mom packed me a bag of toiletries that had a single note attached to each item with a funny phrase. I can't remember them all, but the one I do was tagged onto a travel size bottle of shampoo that said, "Poo in your hair and not in your pants!" I was about eight years old and I STILL vividly remember that. Not because my mom used the word "poo", which we were not allowed to use, and not because I knew they cost a lot of money (or didn't), but it was because of the time she put into it and because she knew it was something I would think was special. Small daily reminders that she was thinking about me.
Now is my daughter going to think about me every time she opens her $45 lunch box and reads her pre-written "Have a great day!" note on fancy paper? Probably not. And if she does, she will probably start equating a dollar amount to how much I love her. But I guarantee if I leave little hand written notes every now and then that say things like, "Hey baby girl! Don't be too sassy in class today! And Don't beat up the boys!" She will know I'm thinking about HER and that I know HER...not the generic her that is available from "Pottery Barn".
Anyway, this is getting long and the whole point of this was supposed to be: Parents. Just stop. Take a good look at your son or daughter and figure out what THEY need...not what society is telling you they need. Stop comparing yourself to pinterest or Pottery Barn or whatever. If you are Mrs. Pinterest - GREAT! Just don't let it take away from getting to know your kid for real. If you happen to worship everything Pottery Barn and your home is the spitting image of one of their catalogs - fabulous! You just better be willing to spend a little dough on what your kid really wants, not what you want them to want.
Now I'm not claiming to be the perfect parent: far from it. But who cares? I know my kids and I'll tell you some things my kids need. My daughter needs conversation. She craves talking. She needs verbal stimulation to make her feel important. My son needs physical attention. He loves to cuddle and needs that cuddle time in the evening before he goes to bed. My daughter needs choices. She needs to be able to choose between two shirts and pick her favorite for school. My son needs boundaries. When boundaries are set, he is a happier child by far. And none of these are available on Pinterest.
What does your kid need?? Every kid is different so you better figure it out and stop looking to magazines and pinterest to tell you.
I've been reading a lot of blogs, posts, news articles, etc. regarding motherhood/parenthood/etc. and it seems like they are all carrying the same theme: "don't compare yourself to other parents...you are doing a fine job."
While these are all uplifting and mostly motivational, it made me think about WHY these posts are necessary? Are parents really that insecure? Are there really so many moms and dads that feel completely inadequate? Apparently so. So I've come to the most obvious conclusion that our society is overly competitive and comparative. Now we could analyze both the men and women side of this, but right now I just want to talk about the woman side of this.
Why is it that we feel so competitive? Where does it start? How do we stop it?
Now, I happen to be the mother of an extremely bright, observant, and sassy almost six year old daughter. She is two weeks into kindergarten and already they have bombarded her with fundraiser things to sell: cookie dough, magazine subscriptions, kitchen supplies, wrapping paper, etc. She came home and the first thing she said was, "Mom! I want to sell the most because I want to win!" She didn't understand the concept of fundraising and was very upset that I didn't make cookie dough and drop it off at school (which she thought was part of the fundraising, not understanding that they provide the cookie dough you sell).
Part of me was proud of her competitive nature, and the other part of me was wanting to cry because they are already teaching her that she needs to win. She is in kindergarten. Leave her alone. I want Ella to be more concerned with what color table she is going to sit at that day, than if the other kids around her are getting prizes because their parents are buying ten and twelve tubs of $13 cookie dough. Ella didn't get any prizes. **Not yet anyway, because I AM competitive by nature so I, of course, canvased my co-workers and am now canvasing my family to buy $13 tubs of cookie dough so Ella can get a prize. What is wrong with this picture??**
I feel like girls can't escape it! Look prettier. Be nicer. Be funnier. Have shinier hair. Be more likeable. Be smarter. Don't be so smart. And it doesn't stop when you finally are an adult. I think it gets worse: Be a better parent. Provide for your children. Look at how much better Pinterest is at being a parent than you are. Look at all the moms who are managing to do it better than you.
I read today a blog post about school lunches, too. Well, I can tell you that Ella is going to get the same school lunch that I did: peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a piece of fruit, some slices of carrots, a packet of fruit snacks, and a capri sun. She will probably get that every day for the next ten years until she can pack her own lunch. Just like I did. And it was fine. (Of course, there was one day in high school that my older brother packed my brown paper bagged lunch, which consisted of: a raw potato, a bag of uncooked rice, and an onion...but that's a story for another day).
The writer was saying that they couldn't keep up with the "Pottery Barn" lifestyle, which includes $45 personalized lunch boxes, and pre-written motivational lunch notes. (You realize you can do both of those with a $.99 sharpie, right?) As I was reading the article, I became sad for the writer. It made me sad that they are so disappointed with themselves and are trying to convince themselves they are okay with NOT being "Pottery Barn"esque.
I can tell you now that I am NEVER buying "pre-written" lunch notes. And I certainly am not paying $45 for a personalized lunch box. I don't care if I am a multi millionaire...there are some things that are just ridiculous. Why are we constantly in competition with what magazines, Hollywood, and pinterest are telling us?? Leave it alone people! So what if you DO spend 50 hours making beautiful homemade Valentines for your first grader? Good for you! And for those of you that buy the big bag of Nerds at the dollar store and simply make your kid write their name on them - Good for you, too! Chances are you're kids won't know the difference. All they will know is that they had Valentines to pass out.
I remember one year I went to a girl scout camp for a week with my next door neighbor, Sarah. Before I left, my mom packed me a bag of toiletries that had a single note attached to each item with a funny phrase. I can't remember them all, but the one I do was tagged onto a travel size bottle of shampoo that said, "Poo in your hair and not in your pants!" I was about eight years old and I STILL vividly remember that. Not because my mom used the word "poo", which we were not allowed to use, and not because I knew they cost a lot of money (or didn't), but it was because of the time she put into it and because she knew it was something I would think was special. Small daily reminders that she was thinking about me.
Now is my daughter going to think about me every time she opens her $45 lunch box and reads her pre-written "Have a great day!" note on fancy paper? Probably not. And if she does, she will probably start equating a dollar amount to how much I love her. But I guarantee if I leave little hand written notes every now and then that say things like, "Hey baby girl! Don't be too sassy in class today! And Don't beat up the boys!" She will know I'm thinking about HER and that I know HER...not the generic her that is available from "Pottery Barn".
Anyway, this is getting long and the whole point of this was supposed to be: Parents. Just stop. Take a good look at your son or daughter and figure out what THEY need...not what society is telling you they need. Stop comparing yourself to pinterest or Pottery Barn or whatever. If you are Mrs. Pinterest - GREAT! Just don't let it take away from getting to know your kid for real. If you happen to worship everything Pottery Barn and your home is the spitting image of one of their catalogs - fabulous! You just better be willing to spend a little dough on what your kid really wants, not what you want them to want.
Now I'm not claiming to be the perfect parent: far from it. But who cares? I know my kids and I'll tell you some things my kids need. My daughter needs conversation. She craves talking. She needs verbal stimulation to make her feel important. My son needs physical attention. He loves to cuddle and needs that cuddle time in the evening before he goes to bed. My daughter needs choices. She needs to be able to choose between two shirts and pick her favorite for school. My son needs boundaries. When boundaries are set, he is a happier child by far. And none of these are available on Pinterest.
What does your kid need?? Every kid is different so you better figure it out and stop looking to magazines and pinterest to tell you.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Tasty...
Mmmm....who is this delectable morsel you ask? This, my lady-friends....is Patrick Sharp. Pray tell us who Patrick Sharp is! Oooooh, Patrick Sharp is one of the Chicago Blackhawks Hockey Players...
So yes. For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, the hockey playoffs are happening right now, and the Blackhawks are doing AWESOME! But aren't you from Los Angeles? And aren't the Blackhawks playing the KINGS?! Yes, yes...I know, I know. I am quite torn...but I have to say, the Kings won the Stanley cup last year...and this year, it is the Hawk's turn. And I don't own a Kings jersey, so I can't really root for them while I wear a Hossa jersey. It just doesn't work that way :) hehe
Anyway, this post is mostly a shout out to my fabulous hockey-loving husband, too. He is pretty fabulous. Not only has he introduced me and got me hooked to the ONE sport I can actually stand (hockey), he also patiently describes the rules, reasoning, and strategy behind it.
Stupid question after stupid question (sometimes the same stupid question....) he patiently explains....then re-explains :)
My hunny has also been going through a lot this week! For those of you not friends with me on facebook:
That's his hand...his finger is supposed to be going straight. *gag*, I know. Tom was playing indoor soccer and was the goalie. He jumped to block a shot and jammed his hand into the upper bar. He played the rest of the game and afterwards was like, "uh...I think I broke my finger." GROSS! Yes, it is broken with a torn tendon. So, he is in a finger splint for six weeks. It also knocked his shoulder all out of whack, so he is pretty beat up: messes up shoulder, sore legs, and a broken finger....all in the name of the game! :)
He is also doing his internship at Real Salt Lake, which he likes a lot, but can sometimes be tedious.
We also found a babysitter - hip hip hooray!! The kids were in day care for a few days and it was NOT working out. Apparently, my stubborn daughter refused to hold still during "nap time", so she was constantly in trouble. It was leading to HUUUUGE temper tantrums and crying fits when it came to me leaving for work. Sooooo, we found a nanny. Good thing is: she is cheaper than day care! YAY! The kids love her and she takes them out for all sorts of activities - so that's good :)
Anyway, that's about all that is new for now. :) More updates when the Hawks win the Stanley Cup.
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